I saw a link on the internet last night that I really wish I wouldn't have clicked on. What I saw behind that link irked me on so many levels, I must write about it.
Let me begin by stating I don't particularly hate Fergie as a whole. I can understand her appeal, her talents, her fashion audacity, her struggle to the top or whatever. Fine.
But Fergie's voice has a chainsaw or dentist drill quality to it, especially when she's belting out a song. It is a truly disturbing sound. If this sound were to awaken you out of a peaceful slumber, you would instinctively hurl a heavy object at the source and the experience would likely leave you cross for the rest of the day.
It is not a pleasant sound, Fergie's full-on singing voice. When she's speak-singing a song like "London Bridge" I don't feel particularly assaulted. Or even "Big Girls Don't Cry" - she didn't bring out the buzzsaw timbre on that one really.
But she did bring it out, full force, to cover one of my least favorite songs ever: "Live and Let Die".
I have no idea why Fergie would cover this song. Is it for a movie soundtrack? Because it's been covered enough before, hasn't it? The occasion for the live performance of it was the televised Movies Rock event. I'm not going to waste my time or yours wondering why this event even happened.
If you haven't already seen it, please watch this YouTube clip of her performance.
And now I must rant.
How many thousands of dollars did they pay the wardrobe stylist? All the stylist could come up with is shiny black catsuits with holes cut out in the midriff, high ponytails and ankle booties? It's a fine line between edgy and tacky, isn't it?
And the choreographer, what were they thinking? "Dancers! Gather 'round Fergie now and point your thumb up and index finger out, yes, yes, like guns! That's it! Now point your guns, point them at the audience, now bend from the elbow and point your gun up, up to the sky! Up, out, up, out! Brilliant!" I know they're trying to conjure Bond imagery here, but these moves are kind of a cross between old-school Fosse jazz, the Charlie's Angels logo, and some dance me and my friends in 7th grade would have made up during a Friday night sleepover. (I've always thought there's something very 7th grade about Fergie, like she's one set of hairsprayed donut-bangs away from copping the style of a 13 year old girl in the 80's.)
As if the dancers' finger-guns weren't enough, Fergie's got a bedazzled pistol affixed to her microphone stand. And of course she, at one point, menacingly aims it at the audience.
The song itself is not my favorite. The most irritating part is this line:
"And in this ever-changing world in which we live in..."
The repetition of "in" is like a poke in the ribs every time I hear it. I know rock songs play fast and loose with grammar, I get that and I'm OK with it. I dig it. But this line wants it both ways, and I can't go for that. No can do.
Fergie herself plays fast and loose with the timing of the chorus too, waiting just a beat after the backing track kicks in to join in the "Live and let dieeeeee" part. I'm assuming this is a stylistic choice, and not the result of a malfunctioning of her in-ear monitors, but...stop it!!
Then she somehow manages to make the "when you got a job to do, you got to do it well" part sound dirty, by virtue of growling it with a stage full of women in spandex gyrating their hips in unison. I never thought if it that way before, but now I will, for the rest of my life. Thanks.
All the hair-flipping, pyrotechnics and Fergie's own smug delivery make me feel like they were expecting everyone to be blown away by this performance. I mean, I couldn't hold on to a rope with one arm and swing from the ceiling while singing, but why would anyone want to?
To the audience that gave a standing ovation for this performance: we'll just have to agree to disagree.
